…i hope you love him the way i have loved him for the last two and a half years of my life.
he is the most inspiring, loving, and generous person i have ever known.
oh yes, you better love him the way i have loved him,
because he loves you in a way he never loved me.
today was actually okay.
i spent a long time last night on skype with my sisters and on the phone with adam, so i was tired at work, but my manager has been so much less annoying the last few days that i didnt even care i was completely exhausted.
went out with ari for a bit which is always nice cause it means i dont have to sit in this house for any longer than i have to…then i got a chance to say goodbye to tyler.
it was probably the nicest visit i’ve had with him in a while. he wasnt fucked up and it was just good. i’m glad ari and i stopped by to see him. i’m also glad he read my letter. at least he knows he is genuinely cared about.
it wasnt as hard as i expected it to be. maybe he’ll actually be okay.
…in all reality, it was probably just an act. in fact, i know it was.
work tomorrow SUPER EARLY. doing extra projects for bev which is nice since i’m planning to head out to KC soon. school tomorrow afternoon, haley and ali’s birthday tomorrow night.
long day ahead for only 5 hours of sleep.
hopefully the whole “tyler being in jail” thing won’t hit me in the middle of the day…
i don’t really understand the point anymore.
i had ari and i had tyler. that was it. the two people keeping my sane in this world.
one of them is going to jail on tuesday, and it isn’t my sister.
this is really hard.
i’m worried about my friend. he needs help, not jail.
the sad part is that i’m pretty sure he’s under the impression that no one, including myself, really cares about him.
yeah. totally false.
i care about him so much (way more than i should…how shocking.)
and he’s the only one who i know can relate to the way i feel right now.
i’m going to miss that kid so much.
he’s one of the few things that made this town okay.
…and today had actually started off really well.
i hate it when you micro-manage. that’s all you do. i guess that’s how you get big in this company. wow. glad i’ll apparently be there forever since i dropped out of college (that is, if i dont get fired first.)
listening to a good deal of blink 182 right now. it just seems fitting.
i have the night off. i’ll probably clean my room, officially withdrawl from jewell, and get registered for spanish and photography… so glad i’m going to community college for my last year when they’re designed for students wanting to take care of their first two years.
…i need to finish my christianity and politics class asap. maybe i’ll work on that for a bit tonight too.
it’s nice to know that i’m missed in kansas city.
…at least i’m appreciated somewhere.
i crave something sincere.
i crave something stable.
i wish i knew how to be happy again, but i really don’t.
my life has turned into a repititious bore.
wake up. go to work. come home. sleep. do it again the next day.
drink on saturday cause i dont have to work on sunday.
i don’t have school stuff figured out for this semester.
i miss my sisters.
i miss lindsay and brett. and adam. so much.
i miss kansas city and the comfort of being at home.
i don’t feel welcome at my house most of the time.
the other times i can’t stand being here.
my faith has dwindled down to pretty much nothing.
dallas offers me my job, ari and tyler.
…which are the only real things i have right now, and i’m very thankful for that.
but there used to me so much more and i dont know what happened to it.
i don’t want to be here.
i’m clearly not happy.
i’m sick of crying for multiple hours every day, no exageration.
yes, i think i’d like to go home now.
